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Why Your CFB Team Sucks – Penn State

Sep 202014

Inspired by Drew Magary’s NFL preview series, Why Your Team Sucks on Deadspin, I decided to do a little of the same on the college side.

Some people are fans of the Penn State Nittany Lions. But many more people are NOT fans of the Penn State or don’t really give a shit about them. This preview is for those in the latter group.

Your Team: Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions

Your 2013-2014 record: 7-5 with no bowl game because… well, ya know.

Your Coach: James Franklin. At a time when the university needed to keep to the straight amp; narrow established by Bill O’Brien, they hired a guy with a sexual assault case hovering over his Vanderbilt program. Franklin may very well be clean but do you trust the vetting process at Penn State? No? I didn’t think so.

Have you ever heard James Franklin speak? Franklin is an insanely good recruiter and may very well win a lot at Penn State. (He should win a lot at Penn State. It’s Penn State for chrissake). But he sounds like the sleazeball illegitimate love-child of Les Miles & Todd Graham.

“I’ll tell you what, getting off that bus with the extended tradition that we’ve added, walking into the stadium, I’m an emotional guy and I was fighting back my emotions the whole time,” Franklin said about his first game at Beaver Stadium. “Getting a chance to see my girls as soon as I got off the bus and walking with them and watching the fans and community support these guys, it’s an unbelievable experience. So I was fighting back my emotions. The sunglasses helped.”

It’s understandable that students or alumni would get goosebumps hearing their school’s alma mater. But they’re not another mercenary coach who also allegedly cried when he beat a path out of Nashville for State College. Surely, people don’t still fall for this song & dance anymore, do they.

Your Quarterback: True Sophomore Christian Hackenberg. A legitimately elite recruit who somehow convinced himself that the school that gave us Todd Blackledge, Anthony “the Genius” Morelli and the Sacca brothers was the right place to hone his quarterbacking skills.

What’s New that Sucks: Penn State is going into this season trying to protect its best weapon, Hackenberg, with an offensive line returning one player. Yikes.

Other than that, nothing. There’s nothing new about Penn State. It’s all old, all staid. This is a program and a fan base that hasn’t changed one fucking bit since Rip Engle ~~was shuffled loose the mortal coil~~ turned over the reigns to Joe Paterno.

What Has Always Sucked: State College. It exists solely for the university. It’s not a real place. If one more person tells me, “But it sure is purrdy cuntry up thurr”, I might scream. Oh wait, I can scream – ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! You know what’s also pretty? West Virginia, NYC’s finger lakes, townies who have all their teeth and cars that don’t have blue & white lion pawprints tattooed all over them. James Carville once concluded that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh in the West, Philadelphia in the East and Alabama in the middle. Guess what lies in the exact geographic center of the Commonwealth. Continue reading »

Penn State Football Goes Outside of the Family, Hires James Franklin

College Football, Football Comments Off

Jan 132014

Penn State football head coach James Franklin

So yeah, Penn State may just have knocked it out of the park. They went out and got a phenomenal recruiter with ties to PA and the northeast and an excellent game coach. Who will eventually leave them for the NFL. (Don’t think it’ll happen? He called it his Dream Job. Yeah, he’ll leave someday soon for his next dream job).

From what I read, Penn State wanted Miami Hurricanes head coach Al Golden. They may or may not have gone after (former) Tennessee Titans head coach Mike Munchak. Both alums. Then they turned to a non-alum, James Franklin, once-upon-a-time the head-coach-in-waiting at Maryland (wow, don’t they fell dumb right now) and author of back-to-back 9-win seasons at Vanderbilt. Seriously, Vanderbilt. The only ones doing a better job than Franklin did at Vanderbilt at similar academic institutions are David Shaw at Stanford and David Cutcliffe at Duke.

The drawback to the Franklin hiring is the specter of the sexual assault cases pending against a number of his former players. Most accounts say that he didn’t know and then booted those players pretty quickly from the Vanderbilt football team. It’s doubtful to me that this will have much of an effect on Franklin’s tenure at Penn State unless he’s somehow called to testify in their criminal cases.

Still, let the kool-aid drinking begin for Penn Staters. Enjoy it while you have him. Just don’t think he’ll stay for 20 years. Or even 10 years. No one does.

My 2014 Pitt and College Sports WishList

Basketball, College Basketball, College Football, Football, The Bigger Picture Comments Off

Jan 022014

I consider myself as a lucky sports fan. At least I’m not a Cleveland sports fan. I can find hope without looking too hard. BUT! C’mon, everyone wants some of their teams to do better. So here’s my wishlist for college sports in 2014.

Pitt football

Better recruiting on Defense. I expect that Paul Chryst and his staff will continue to build the offensive lines and reel in quality offensive recruits. That’s evidenced by getting 4-star RB Chris James as well as offensive linemen Mike Grimm and Alex Bookser. But I just don’t see those studs coming in on defense. Matt House took some pretty harsh criticism for the defense this year. Some of it was deserved, some not. But Pitt’s whiffed on some local kids who would have helped out a lot on defense. And that comes down to House’s and the defensive staff’s ability to recruit. He has to get better there. No amount of coaching ’em up will help if there aren’t capable players behind the schemes and instruction.
Paul Chryst’s growth as a coach. Chryst needs to become a better game day coach. Some of that is getting his guys in and up to speed. Some of it is just better in-game adjustments. There are times where you see what his offense is capable of. Games vs Duke and ND. The near comeback against UNC. The bowl game vs Bowling Green. I like Chryst and believe he can become a great long-term coach but he has continue to grow as a coach.
Tyler Boyd contending for the Biletnikoff Award. He had a monster season and with the emergence of Manasseh Garner and return of JP Holtz, I expect that Boyd will continue to put up big numbers. (Especially if he’s left in to return punts or kickoffs).
8-4 regular season record. Simple and easy. Winning more will improve recruiting, improve the morale of fans and draw more people to Heinz Field. It will show tangible proof of the growth/regeneration of the program. Avoid pulling a Pitt more than once next season and 8 wins is doable. Navy should have been a win. Same with Georgia Tech. That there would have given Pitt an 8-4 regular season record.

Pitt basketball

A strong ACC season. The ACC is not as strong as the Big East once was. It isn’t. Not this year at least. It ain’t no picnic either but Pitt’s been down this road before. I expect that Pitt, warts and all, should be in the top half of the conference. Outside of Duke, UNC and Syracuse, whom should Pitt fear? NC State, UVA, ND, UMD – good teams, yes. But not other-worldly programs. Fourth place is there for the taking. Continue reading »

Bill O’Brien To Usher Penn State into the Club of Ordinary Programs

College Football, Football Comments Off

Dec 302013

So it looks increasingly likely that Penn State head coach Bill O’Brien will be flying the coup. I’m honestly surprised it’s happening so soon. Not necessarily because I thought he’d see out the sanctions period. But because I didn’t think he’d become a serious candidate after only two years. Don’t get me wrong, he’s done yeoman’s work for PSU. I just didn’t think NFL teams would come calling so soon.

Even if O’Brien doesn’t jump ship this offseason, it’s a strong bet that he’ll leave very soon thereafter.

If I was PSU looking for his successor, I would stay clear of 49ers Offensive Coordinator Greg Roman and (former) Tampa Buccaneers Head Coach Greg Schiano, two names which garnered interest in their last coaching search. I’d even stay away former Pennstater and current (for now) Tennessee Titans Head Coach Mike Munchak. These are NFL guys. That’s where they want to be; at the supposed pinnacle of football coaching. (Personally, I don’t think that coaching, as opposed to playing, in the NFL is the peak of the profession though let’s leave that for another day).

Penn State Head Coach Bill O’Brien