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Why Your CFB Team Sucks – Penn State

Sep 202014

Inspired by Drew Magary’s NFL preview series, Why Your Team Sucks on Deadspin, I decided to do a little of the same on the college side.

Some people are fans of the Penn State Nittany Lions. But many more people are NOT fans of the Penn State or don’t really give a shit about them. This preview is for those in the latter group.

Your Team: Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions

Your 2013-2014 record: 7-5 with no bowl game because… well, ya know.

Your Coach: James Franklin. At a time when the university needed to keep to the straight amp; narrow established by Bill O’Brien, they hired a guy with a sexual assault case hovering over his Vanderbilt program. Franklin may very well be clean but do you trust the vetting process at Penn State? No? I didn’t think so.

Have you ever heard James Franklin speak? Franklin is an insanely good recruiter and may very well win a lot at Penn State. (He should win a lot at Penn State. It’s Penn State for chrissake). But he sounds like the sleazeball illegitimate love-child of Les Miles & Todd Graham.

“I’ll tell you what, getting off that bus with the extended tradition that we’ve added, walking into the stadium, I’m an emotional guy and I was fighting back my emotions the whole time,” Franklin said about his first game at Beaver Stadium. “Getting a chance to see my girls as soon as I got off the bus and walking with them and watching the fans and community support these guys, it’s an unbelievable experience. So I was fighting back my emotions. The sunglasses helped.”

It’s understandable that students or alumni would get goosebumps hearing their school’s alma mater. But they’re not another mercenary coach who also allegedly cried when he beat a path out of Nashville for State College. Surely, people don’t still fall for this song & dance anymore, do they.

Your Quarterback: True Sophomore Christian Hackenberg. A legitimately elite recruit who somehow convinced himself that the school that gave us Todd Blackledge, Anthony “the Genius” Morelli and the Sacca brothers was the right place to hone his quarterbacking skills.

What’s New that Sucks: Penn State is going into this season trying to protect its best weapon, Hackenberg, with an offensive line returning one player. Yikes.

Other than that, nothing. There’s nothing new about Penn State. It’s all old, all staid. This is a program and a fan base that hasn’t changed one fucking bit since Rip Engle ~~was shuffled loose the mortal coil~~ turned over the reigns to Joe Paterno.

What Has Always Sucked: State College. It exists solely for the university. It’s not a real place. If one more person tells me, “But it sure is purrdy cuntry up thurr”, I might scream. Oh wait, I can scream – ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! You know what’s also pretty? West Virginia, NYC’s finger lakes, townies who have all their teeth and cars that don’t have blue & white lion pawprints tattooed all over them. James Carville once concluded that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh in the West, Philadelphia in the East and Alabama in the middle. Guess what lies in the exact geographic center of the Commonwealth. Continue reading »

Taking the NFL to the Grey Havens

College Football, Football, Futbol/Soccer, Pro-Football, The Bigger Picture Comments Off

Sep 182014

Although we would all agree that the vast, vast major of NFL players are decent people, I’m finding it harder and harder to get excited for professional football these days.

The NFL is over-exposed. There’s no off-season anymore. There’s always a new story and I find that to be draining. I want to take time away from the game, follow some other sports and actually miss the NFL. That’s almost impossible with ESPN and the other networks’ 24/7 coverage of any little, bitty, tiny story. Player misconduct is a worthy news item no matter when it happens but other than that, the NFL needs a real off-season.

These days, I honestly find the NFL product to be a bit boring. It’s roughly the same types of offenses and defenses, with little variation. Whereas there was once a slight variety of offenses – smash mouth, west coast, run & shoot, long-ball – nowadays, everyone seems to be running roughly a variation of the west coast with some spread principles. The real innovation in offenses continues to be on the college side. I have no problem turning on a random college football game but I often fall asleep watching any NFL game.

Coupled with the tone-deaf response to player misconduct (to put it lightly), it’s just not as fun as it used to be. Humans are a Fallen species and so no sports league, no institution is ever perfect. But all this shit, it wears on a fan. I can’t block it out anymore. Not sure if I should either.

Creating A De-Facto Bowl Game

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Sep 162014

I’ll preface this post by saying that I realize that college football scheduling is easier said than done. Teams have to balance conference and non-conference schedules with all sorts of logistical, recruiting and monetary concerns. However.

I’m wondering if major teams, at least in the north, ever try to schedule more attractive games late in the season. And by attractive, I mean geographically attractive. Let’s say, a game at Tulane or SDSU or Hawai’i. Or even FIU in late November, as opposed to early season. It doesn’t seem like northern teams do that at all.

Especially, if you’re a team that is/was probation, like Ohio State. In 2012, when the Buckeyes were on a bowl ban, their non-conference schedule consisted of Miami-Ohio, UCF, Cal and UAB. As I said, I know there’s a huge monetary concern here, especially with the big dawg programs. Iif folks like to moan about the kids missing out on a bowl game, then why not create a de-facto bowl game. Take a look at the map below.

Why Your CFB Team Sucks – Pitt Panthers

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Sep 132014

Inspired by Drew Magary’s NFL preview series, Why Your Team Sucks on Deadspin, I decided to do a little of the same on the college side. This is the second in the series. Click here to learn why WVU sucks.

Some people are fans of the Pitt Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pitt Panthers or don’t really give a shit about them. This preview is for those in the latter group.

Your Team: University of Pittsburgh Panthers

Your 2013-2014 record: 7-6 with a bowl win over Bowling Green. The Pitt-est of Pitt records.

Paul Chryst's Pitt showed some growth this season

Pitt’s Paul Chryst

Your Coach: Paul “Neat” Chryst, an affable young gentleman who was initially passed over for Todd Graham and then Mike Haywood, the Ray Rice of college coaches. At least Pitt had the sense to can Haywood the minute he gave them an opportunity. Talk about a case of buyer’s remorse.

Chryst is a “neat” guy, as in he says “neat” a lot. A grown man who says, “neat”. Can’t you just hear the awww’s coming. This is a guy who’s so nice and affable that you’re alternately rooting for him to win because you believe he’d do it the ‘right way’ and fearing some news story will drop showing him kicking a 5-year old birthday boy’s new puppy while drinking too much Scotch “neat”.

Your Quarterback: Redshirt sophomore Chad Voytik, who provides the greatest proof ever of both the vulnerability and stupidity of 17 year old boys, as well as their immediate ability to redeem themselves. Voytik was a Todd Graham recruit. He bought that fucking used-car sleazebag salesman’s pitch. He committed 4-5 years of his life to studying under the tutelage of a man who makes Lane Kiffin look like a priest. BUT! He stuck with Pitt after Graham absconded. Three years later, he’s ready to man the helm at Pitt. Teenagers, sheesh.

What’s New that Sucks: Pitt returns a defensive line minus Aaron Donald who only managed to be named ACC Defensive Player of the Year, a unanimous All-American and win Lombardi Award, Bronko Nagurski Trophy, Chuck Bednarik Award and the Outland Trophy. Donald even blocked a kick! Minus Aaron Donald, Pitt’s defensive line had 4.5 sacks and no forced fumbles. All season.

Penn State are still Penn State

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Sep 102014

In an article for SI regarding the NCAA’s decision to lift Penn State’s bowl ban and scholarship restrictions, Zac Ellis writes:

The problem was that the bowl ban and scholarship reductions didn’t affect anyone responsible for Sandusky’s actions. Those sanctions didn’t punish the likes of former Penn State president Graham Spanier, late football coach Joe Paterno, former athletic director Tim Curley and former vice president Gary Schultz, whose actions — or lack thereof — were at the heart of the scandal. What the NCAA’s decision did was take opportunities away from prospective scholarship athletes at Penn State. These are players who had nothing to do with Sandusky or the school’s administration. The NCAA forced the next Penn State regime — in this case, Bill O’Brien and his new coaching staff — into an extremely difficult situation of recruiting fewer kids into a program that couldn’t go bowling for four seasons.

Ellis is correct that the penalties levied against Penn State didn’t punish Spanier, Paterno, Curley or Schultz and did punish Penn State’s football program and future players. But punishing rule breakers (in this case the institution of Penn State football) often does have collateral and deleterious downstream effects.

Those who would point out that the NCAA had no juris-my-dicktion in this case have a point. But they’re also, in effect, saying that the football program should not have been punished at all. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, the football culture at Penn State became so big and so important that it led to the actions which caused the scandal, which led otherwise good men to look the other way while heinous acts were committed. Penn State is a fine academic institution but football should never be as big as it is there; that’s called lack of institutional control. It had to be taken down a peg.

And the folks who have bought into the myth of “Success with Honor”, who worship(ped) at the altar of Joe Paterno and all he wrought have stood screaming into the wind while the rest of us watched, disappointed and horrified. They still think of Penn State as Shangri-La. This level of fidelity, emulated at other prominent football-centric schools around the country, is sad but not unique. If the folks at Michigan or Texas or Alabama think that it couldn’t happen at their institutions, they’re wrong, so wrong. Not because they’re inferior people (we’re all Fallen) but because they are simply people.

Perhaps I’m just screaming into the wind. While it’s possible (hopeful) that the core workings of the Penn State administration have changed, I have seen nothing in the intervening years to dissuade me from believing that Penn State football isn’t still the biggest, baddest cat in town. Folks who were once just a bit chastened are now dancing in the streets, believing that their institution is fully redeemed or that the NCAA’s jealous vendetta against poor, innocent State has ended. I guess a few more years of sanctions wouldn’t have changed the culture at Penn State, any more so than sanctions have changed Ohio State, Alabama or USC in preceding years. So let the kids go bowling. #Dominate.

Why Your CFB Team Sucks – West Virginia

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Sep 082014

Inspired by Drew Magary’s NFL preview series, Why Your Team Sucks on Deadspin, I decided to do a little of the same on the college side. This is the first in the series. Some people are fans of the West Virginia Mountaineers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of WVU or don’t really give a shit about them. This preview is for those in the latter group.

Your Team: West Virginia University Mountaineers

Your 2013-2014 Record: 4-8. They became the first Big XII team to lose to both Kansas & Iowa State in the same season.

Your Coach: Dana Holgorsen. Raving drunken lunatic. Offensive mastermind. Who got shut out by Maryland last year. Maryland! Three seasons ago, WVU hung 70 points on Clemson in the Orange Bowl. Two seasons ago, WVU got thumped by Syracuse in their bowl game. Last year, they didn’t make one.

Your QB: Senior Clint Trickett. If ever there was a guy born to be a West Virginia Mountaineer, it’s Clint Trickett. The name just evokes images of beards and missing teeth and ‘coon skin caps, don’t it. Perhaps he can double as the Mountaineer’s musket-wielding mascot as well. Trickett won a whirlwind of a QB battle against three other combatants despite having offseason shoulder surgery and not taking snaps during fall drills. Now that’s talent.

What’s New That Sucks: Rushel Shell is now active. The former all-world recruit from who ignominiously left Pitt because he couldn’t take a little bit of criticism from the world’s ‘neatest’ coach, Paul Chryst, then was rejected by the lads at UCLA, and landed at, of all places, West by gawd Virginia. Look, I try really hard not to root against college kids because they’re still kids and especially not against local kids but seriously.

Pitt, PSU & WVU College Football Predictions

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Aug 222014

… Or I’m Actually Going to to Predict the Results of Kids Playing College Sports?!

Aye, ’tis folly of the highest order to deign to predict the outcomes of college sports, especially the footballs. But that’s what makes it so fun. I did my best not to let my prejudices for (Pitt) or against (EVERYONE ELSE!!) affect my predictions too much. You be the judge but please remember that you suck. And I will block you on Twitter if I haven’t eaten yet and you’re annoying me. Just let me get something to eat first before you word-vomit all over me after a tough loss.

First up, let’s do Pitt…

I tried. I honestly tried to be realistic in the third column below. But historically realistic would also include at least one “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” loss and one “SERIOUSLY, WHERE DID THAT COME FROM, WE RULE!!” win. But I want to believe that Paul Chryst is building something so I excluded the stupid loss. And no, I don’t think that beating Virginia Tech is a huge, off-the-wall win. They’re a fine program but one with which Pitt has traditionally been competitive (including last year in Blacksburg).

Date	Opponent	Location	Optimistic	Pessimistic	Middle
8/30/14	vs Delaware	Pittsburgh, PA	W	W	W
9/5/14	at BC *	Chestnut Hill, MA	W	L	W
9/13/14	at FIU	Miami, FL	W	W	W
9/20/14	vs Iowa	Pittsburgh, PA	W	L	L
9/27/14	vs Akron	Pittsburgh, PA	W	W	W
10/4/14	at UVA *	Charlottesville, VA	W	W	W
10/16/14	vs VT *	Pittsburgh, PA	W	L	W
10/25/14	vs GT *	Pittsburgh, PA	W	L	L
11/1/14	vs Duke *	Pittsburgh, PA	W	L	W
11/15/14	at UNC *	Chapel Hill, NC	L	L	L
11/22/14	vs Syr *	Pittsburgh, PA	W	W	W
11/29/14	at Miami *	Miami, FL	L	L	L
			10-2 (6-2 ACC)	5-7 (2-6 ACC)	8-4 (5-3 ACC)

Next up, the State Penn:

A Case for Sports Pain

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Feb 132014

Or… Justifying Wednesday Night RAW

It’s probably an understatement how raw I feel at the moment. Here’s the reason. Don’t make me talk about it. In fact, I think this tweet perfectly encapsulates how most people should deal with me after a close loss:

Not accepting anything from anyone who magically comes outta the woodwork to diss Pitt or claims some long held loyalty to Syracuse. #raw

— Malcolm Fitzgerald (@ajollybengali) February 13, 2014

This next tweet doesn’t describe how I feel after every loss but it most certainly applies tonight. Yes it does, yes it does, yes it does.

THEY GOT FUCKING LUCKY!

— Malcolm Fitzgerald (@ajollybengali) February 13, 2014

Anyway, I know I take sports pretty seriously. It opens me up to feeling really horrible at times. It also affords me ridiculous feelings of elation and euphoria. I’ve said that I do consider myself a pretty lucky fan overall so I’m not lamenting my current position. Too much.

Those who understand will, even if they’re on the opposite side, at least have some sympathy. However, some folks won’t/don’t/can’t understand how or why sports can bring a person so low. The best they can do is give a jagoff like me a wide berth when I’m pissed off. But they do so shaking their heads. I don’t think it’s lack of empathy. Perhaps, lack of imagination. In a way, I pity them.

Marcus Smart Shouldn’t Have Been Suspended

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Feb 112014

By now, the college basketball world has started to move on from the Marcus Smart incident. Except, you know, Marcus Smart. Because he’s been suspended for three games. He had to apologize to his team and the Oklahoma State fan-base for shoving a jerk, named Jeff Orr, who called him a “piece of crap”. He had to apologize to that very same jerk.

I’m still not sure that Smart should have been suspended. It’s a common trope to say that because fans pay money, they have the right to say what they want, however boorish or vulgar. Some folks have even said that Smart should’ve/would’ve been suspended for his response even if a racial slur had been used. I find this to be an abominable standard.

I guess it all depends on where you draw the line. I think it’s one thing to call into question a player’s play. His decision making, strategy, maybe even his hustle. I don’t mind when opposing students taunt players. As long as it revolves around the game. Chants of ‘airball’, boos even. But to hurl invective at a player, to impugn his character, to call into question his very integrity, especially a 19-year old KID – this is repulsive. This is not how we as college sports fans should conduct ourselves.

The Olympics as the Emperor’s New Clothes

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Feb 092014

I love the Olympics, both summer and winter. Swimming, beach volleyball, athletics, skiing, snowboarding, curling. Curling! I mean, what a fraking awesomely absurd sport. It’s shuffleboard on ice! With brooms! I can’t stop watching when it comes on.

But that’s what works about the Olympics. Sports. Competition. The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. (Unless you’re talking Pitt sports in which case, you’re Comfortably Numb). The rest sucks. All those fluffy human interest pieces, tales of overcoming adversity, yada yada yada. I can do without it all.

But more importantly, the whole ‘business’ of the Olympics is rotten to the core. From the IOC to the way the host countries prostitute themselves to the way that they railroad their citizens in preparation for the games even to the treatment of Sochi’s stray dogs – it’s disgusting.

The Olympic rings are trademarked so I can’t show them. This is not the Olympic rings.

There is no denying the spectacular opening ceremonies at the Beijing Games in 2008. And I can still remember the arrow being shot over the huge Olympic torch to light it up at the 1992 Barcelona games. But do we need it? Do we need the glittering Olympic villages and all the amenities. Did costs for the Sochi games really have to eclipse $50,000,000,000 (that’s $50+ BILLION!).

Venues and housing need to be built and security and transportation must be upgraded in order to host an Olympic games. Those real and necessary capital improvements are nothing to sneeze at but it should be a simple matter to host the games. It should certainly not devolve into a brazen display of nationalistic one-upmanship and trying to look purrty and pounding your country’s chest. Let the athletes do that trash talking.

I honestly don’t think I’m tilting at windmills here. I’m not even particularly excised about the costs of the Olympics. Overruns happen on capital projects. It’s the decadence and sleaziness that now seem to be associated with the event. Not the athletes or the contests themselves. The administrative and nationalist aspects. The show-biz, the glitz, the glamour. That’s not the true spirit of the Olympics. It shouldn’t be big business.

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