Posted by I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the world slowly re-opening over the next year. How do we handle re-increasing social contact, travel, and the relationships that have grown or withered during this whole ordeal without falling back into old patterns that may no longer apply or were never good in the first place.
Back in March, before the pandemic truly hit and quarantining started, I wrote the following in a post regarding (in-person) Energy Vampirism:
The truth is that I am deathly terrified of how solitary my life would become if I stopped being that “organizer” person, especially since I’m preternaturally single. It’s a bit like a camel burying its head in the sand. If I don’t see others, do they see me? If I fall in a forest and no one hears, did I fall over?
Well, ain’t that a portent! To wit, my response to the pandemic and to quarantining has been to try to be proactive in communicating with people (while maintaining social distance). Text messages, online game nights, Marco Polos, socially-distanced walks or dinners, outdoor comedy shows, more text messages, etc. (Umm but not phone calls, I still hate phone calls and consider yourself lucky if I don’t msg you much because I can do that quickly and with volume).
‘Tis an Ill Cook
I felt almost a sense of elation in the summer when for a brief few weeks, PA was in the green zone and I saw my friends more often and/or was able to invite a few folks a time over to my place for a succession of what I felt were responsible, socially-distanced outdoor dinners on my front patio. Cooking and more specifically, cooking for those whom I care about is one of the great joys of my life. Even food allergies or self-restrictions aren’t a detriment; they serve as culinary puzzles for me to solve. I only stopped because the weather turned and COVID-19 numbers re-spiked. Luckily, no one on my guest lists came down with COVID-19.
However, in my desire to communicate with people, to check up on them, to be the “organizer” person as I usually have been, I hadn’t necessarily taken into account the extent to which some people would welcome or need the isolation. Being an ambivert, I enjoy interaction as well as solitude.
People can be pretty damn slippery via text msg. Folks don’t want to let their friends down or to make them feel bad. So the question is whose responses are genuine and who is just being polite but silently trying to say NO. And in this most complicated of environments, our responses to the stresses & traumas inflicted by the pandemic have further colored our interactions (even virtual ones). Even those ignoring or minimizing the COVID-19 threat have been giving voice to their own particular trauma response, frustrating though it has been to those of who have stayed put (mostly) and/or not taken outside trips.
Dude, Where’s My Block Button?
If there’s one thing I dread, it is the thought of being intrusive in people’s lives. I don’t want my friends to feel put upon or as though they are being forced to interact when maybe they’d rather be left alone.
But I hadn’t thought of virtual or digital or socially-distanced activities as being all that intrusive. I’m coming to realize that these efforts, especially in this pandemic environment and regardless of one’s intention, can do a great dis-service to the person whose company is so highly priz’d in the first place.
Now, when I see an insta-story about a person needing boundaries or alone time, I wonder if I’m one of the people who’s too up in theirs or other people’s business? And some folks ghost or run out the clock rather than straight-up replying. But if the non-answer or running out the clock best suits their mental health, then I think I have to learn to recognize that better.
And then there’s the simple possibility that sometimes people just forget to respond. (And then don’t follow-up).
I try to take people at their actual word. (Yes, naïve, I know). It takes effort for me not to follow-up, not to press for a response. The space occupied by the non-response kills me. But I do want to respect people’s needs for non-interaction. I don’t want to force interaction on those who either need more solitude or don’t value my friendship as much as I do theirs. And it should be noted again, that sometimes people just forget to respond. It’s a pandemic after all and I ain’t the center of anyone’s life, nor do I really want to be.
I’m not entirely sure what to do with this realization. I’m not above any of the aforementioned myself. I guess I’ll make that a 2021 resolution: better parsing of intention in communication or non-communication. Or maybe I’ll just leave people alone more.
