Posted by I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the life expectations that are placed on us and that we place on ourselves; and how they shift and morph and change as we age.
What do you do when the only path you’ve ever thought about never seems to materialize. For me, that now-disappearing path is/was collegefindthegirlgetmarriedhavekidsdie. Maybe grad school too. Not so much anymore. Don’t get it twisted; this isn’t despair over the prospect of a life lived solo. It is my surprise at having never truly, (un-self deprecatingly) considered that my life could wind up being solitary and/or how that life could be best lived. The consideration of multiple life paths, one of which might be solitary long-term, is worth exploring even if I found “the one” tomorrow.
Over the years, most of my decisions have been colored a little bit by the assumed eventuality of finding a girl and all the other events which follow in a normal life. Although most of those decisions can and do stand on their own, there are few things I’ve ever done (outside of getting a dog) that have been totally without at least a side-eye towards being, what Rohinton Mistry called, “A Suitable Boy”. Is that why I’ve never tried heroin or ayahuasca? haha nahhh. Maybe.
In the past year+, I have met lots of individuals who fall outside of the normal life story paradigm; certainly outside of the paradigm established by most South Asian émigrés to this country. People who have truly followed their passion and made it their “life’s work” (as Chuck Noll called it) regardless of whether it would lead to finding the girl or boy and establishing a family; or even a stable financial life at that. Of course, pop culture is filled with so many such examples but the fact that they have pursued for their craft or vocation the one thing I loved the most as a youngling (theatre) makes it more real, tangible to me. It drives home the opportunity costs of the path I’ve chosen or tried to choose.
A Glitch in the Matrix
It is considered by some of my long-term friends, to say nothing of desi aunties & unkels, to be something of an anomaly, a curiosity, a glitch in the Matrix that I’m still uncoupled. Because they’re very much not. For my new friends, well, kinda not so much. They’re just livin’ – L I V I N. I wouldn’t say that my newer friends are all opposed to the “American Dream” but achieving it hasn’t necessarily been their focus. And so the questions they ask do not revolve around weddings, marriages, families, kids, etc, but instead around what do THEY or EYE want? So for the first time in my life, I’m really starting to contemplate where’s my bliss. Could it actually be something that reduces my “suitability”? ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d.
In the past, I’ve considered leaning into the standard path. An “introduced” or semi-arranged marriage could probably be worked out in a year or less if I really wanted so.. Have a nice girl found, so to speak, and then the path practically chooses itself; maybe going back for an MBA, kids (probably 2-3), another perhaps bigger house. In due course, I’d probably move back to the suburbs. It would be a nice white picket fence life; nothing wrong with that. And it’s a tried and true path that has worked for several millennia of human existence. However, something has always stopped me from going all the way down that road.
Even though I’ve worked to build a solid, stable life, in the case of a desi “introduction” setup, there’s part of me that’s still uncomfortable with the idea of my demographics and bank account being even an initial part of my perceived value. It’s a bit of a double standard, I know.
Two Roads Diverged in a Wood
I’d probably be just as terminally single and geeky & unforgivably awk and silent around ladies if I had done naught but pursue a path of my design regardless of whether it fit the Desi or standard American model. But perhaps I would’ve been happier? It’s a bit of a chicken & egg question (although we know the egg came first). You can’t really know who you would have become in a totally different life in part because you can’t divorce your perspective from the experiences and biases of the person you are now; in other words, ceteris paribus is stupid.
Needless to say, I’m not going to suddenly run off and join the circus. We are who we are. But in coming to terms with, planning for, and accepting a new outlook or path in life that would primarily or solely serve myself, I’m starting to get rather tired of the thought of the old, standard model.
I don’t know what the new road looks like. I don’t know if I’d even like it. After all, I have “promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep”. And either way – to what ends, for whom if not myself, I don’t know.
I’m just getting tired of constantly trying to be “a suitable boy”. Maybe I never was.
