Posted by I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of letting go, sacrificing a smidge of control in one’s life in the pursuance of love, of relationships, or just for someone to talk to. Often the older one gets, the greater the sense of one’s self which stands in the way of such compromise. That’s a natural progression.
For those of us who have spent most of our lives single and unattached, this sense of self is even further accentuated. In a mostly solitary life, who do you talk to when you have no one else to talk to? I have a wonderful group of friends whom I love and trust and text msg incessantly with my rambling thoughts. But they have their own relationships (some serious, some not) and separate lives to consider. So, the answer is, well, my puppy! Unfortunately, Snickers is just as ill communicado as his predecessor, Oreo.
“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon
My mom used to say that I should save visiting the Grand Canyon and other National Parks for when I have a spouse. Of course, she said that to me in my teens and early 20’s when it was still assumed that I would be able to find the girl and get hitched by, at most, my late 20’s. I’m not even sure I want that anymore.
Recently, I crossed off Colombia and Indonesia from my travel list. Had COVID-19 not hit, I was planning to travel either to Senegal or Tunisia in 2020, visit New Orleans again, Chicago, go see shows in NYC… none of these plans were made with someone else in mind. I was just going to go.
At some point, some of us just have to get on with life as it stands. So the question that forms in my mind is whether there is a point at which the personalities of the consistently unattached become so discrete and so solidified that forming a meaningful long-term attachment is functionally impossible.
“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.” – Criss Jami
Some of the best couples that I know have been together for a long, long time. It’s not as though either individual doesn’t exist in my mind without the other. But they have kind of grown up together. And the success of their relationship is, I think, because they got together early enough in their lives that they could work out nascent differences and grow together because they almost didn’t know any different or better. That doesn’t make the journey easier; perhaps it just makes it a little bit more possible.
The mental gymnastics needed to uncouple one’s cherished and hard-won sets of beliefs and behaviors in order to allow someone else to enter that life gets more and more difficult with time. No, I don’t mean sacrificing core values. But instead, just providing some space in one’s life, in one’s heart, in one’s schedule for another person who is also flawed and whose personality may also be just as formed and strong as your own.
So instead of doing that difficult but necessary work, we avoid it altogether. We flit from dalliance to dalliance, avoiding real engagement because, we tell ourselves, there’s too much to do, to see, to act upon elsewhere. Don’t stop for anyone else, don’t compromise one.single.bit; especially in these pandemic days when it feels like the world is on fire.
It is a dreamy and perhaps easy notion to try to believe that the most important and meaningful relationships (even if they’re platonic) come easily; that even the supposed sacrifices and compromises are a no-brainer, that we don’t have to fight for them to succeed.
“When it’s right, you’ll just know.” I hope that’s not the case. Because that has never ever ever happened to me and I just don’t think it ever will. I’m not dissing myself; I’m just too awk for instant attraction and connection to happen.
“That which we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly. ‘Tis dearness only that gives everything its value.” – Thomas Paine
Paine was writing about the pursuit of freedom but the maxim can apply to anything in life that we value. Think about the accomplishments you cherish the most in your life. Chances are that they are the ones for which you’ve had to work the hardest.
I don’t know. I suppose this notion that the best things in life aren’t free (or under the sea) or devoid of effort is comforting to me. Shouldn’t the most important connection in one’s life be a result of effort. Lest why should it be of any true or lasting value.
Senegal and Tunisia are closed to American travelers because of COVID-19. I still have unscheduled vacation days left. Perhaps I’ll go to the Grand Canyon this year.
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Photo Credit for balloon pic: Flickr User – Alexis Nyal
