Posted by I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendships and relationships and how we grow and nurture new entrants into our lives as we age.
You see, I sometimes think that being social as an adult has partly been a learned behavior for me. I’m awk af (esp. if she’s cute) and so I spend a lot of time watching and learning cues from others. Historically, humans are social creatures and no man is an island unto himself.
Thus, “Happy hour!”… “Want me to make you some gumbo?”… “Pens game?”… “Am I bugging you too much? Okay, I’ll shut up.”… “But holla when you wanna hang out. If?”
Introverts recharge by being alone whereas extroverts recharge by being with people. Very few people are completely introverted or completely extroverted; we lean one way or the other. I’d say most people are ambiverts.
What I had not considered until recently were the qualities of the very people with whom one associates. I saw a meme/pic that said something to the effect of, “I used to think I was an introvert until I realized that some people give me energy while others take my energy.”
Energy Vampires!
It hit me that there are times when I go into a shell after a social event and there are other times when I long for more interaction even after a long night of socializing. The difference hasn’t been the situations themselves, but sometimes the very group of people I’m with. So it’s not solely a person’s internal recharging mechanism but also the qualities (not in a good or bad way) of the company that they keep.
I spend a lot of time alone (with my puppers). But I’m also forever trying to organize people to go to happy hour/meet up somewhere/go to a show or game/etc. The truth is that I am deathly terrified of how solitary my life would become if I stopped being that “organizer” person, especially since I’m preternaturally single. It’s a bit like a camel burying its head in the sand. If I don’t see others, do they see me? If I fall in a forest and no one hears, did I fall over? This ambivert needs both solitude and company.
The Long Dark Tea-Time of Relationships
We’ve all uttered empty platitudes such as “hey let’s hang out sometime” or “I should be free soon…”. Or we’ve been on the receiving end of such platitudes. And then taken no action about it for a while, if ever. But what happens when one person does follow-up and the other doesn’t reciprocate? Over & over again?
My brain doesn’t always understand when the platitudes are empty. So when I follow up, I’ll give all the possible times and places and options that I can. It’s likely that any response other than being told to go kick rocks will let my estupido cabeza find the loopholes in what is actually a politely-intended NO.
There’s a maxim that we will find a way, by hook or by crook, to make time for a new person whom we truly value. For me, at least, it’s a terribly sad thing to finally realise that one is on the opposite end of that maxim; when one would move heaven and earth to spend time with them but they can’t/won’t move a millimeter, even if that would just mean sitting on the couch watching football (or 10 Things I Hate About You).
None of this is an indictment of anyone’s character! Everyone has different priorities, especially as an adult, and we’ve all spent time building our own social circles before some new person comes into the picture. I ain’t trying to paint myself as a social saint. I’m sure that I’ve sometimes been an energy vampire with others, or failed to reciprocate others’ efforts to connect with me. But I guess I’m just coming to terms with the effect that such dis-care can produce in another person. And, well, that sucks. I guess I’m just saying that I will try to do better. Thanks.
TL;DR — I’m sorry if I’ve ever been an energy vampire to anyone new (or old).
