Posted by On this most auspicious of hallmark holidays, I think a little shoutout to couples nation is in order.
Some of you have become really fucking boring. I’m happy that my various friends have found someone they want to share their lives with. I get it. I’d like to have that someday. But spare me your newfound piety and self-involvement. Ain’t no one expectin’ you to be out at the club till all hours of the night. As if you’ve suddenly reached new heights of maturity because you found your so-called soul-mate and are too good to socialize outside your domicile.
Go fuck yourselves. No, really. It’s Valentine’s Day. Go out for a nice dinner or whatever the devil it is you kids do these days. Then go home and fuck y’selves silly… sin condom. The only thing that’s gonna rescue you from boringville is making babies. Babies are a helluva lot more interesting than you.
Sincerely,
Your Third Wheel Friend
… or fifth wheel. or seventh wheel? Sigh. In the words of the perpetually single Aaron Karo, “fuck me!” (avec condom).
