Posted by “It’s different for you because you’re a guy.” I do not know how many times I have heard that statement. As a man, I cannot truly fathom the weight of the battles that South Asian women face in their efforts to uplift themselves. As such, it is difficult for me to question when it looks like a friend is giving up on an issue that she ought still to be fighting.
There are girls who cannot consider having guy roommates (however platonic) because mom and dad would not allow it. Forget that mom and dad are not paying her rent anymore. There is the friend, so in love with her guy, who talks open of someday having to end the relationship because traditional society won’t accept it; because father yells at her one moment, ignores her the next moment; because mother just sobs and asks god what she did wrong to deserve this undesirable daughter. (If shit happens, it is the will of god).
There is an enormous responsibility that comes with being a South Asian woman. It goes beyond how good she looks in a sari or a salwar kameez. It goes beyond how well she speaks the language or knows filmi songs. It certainly goes beyond how well she can cook or clean. South Asian women are the real bedrock of our societies, not the men. It is often said, “Teach a man and you teach one person. Teach a woman and you educate an entire civilization.” But because our societies have historically been ruled by the patriarchy, women are told that they must fit this mold or that mold. Today, women have many obstacles in their path, from parents who want to marry them off the minute they can to the corporate glass ceiling to centuries old religious dogma that makes them worth ½ of a man.
It’s one thing to fight the good fight and get tired. After all, it’s not easy. But it’s quite another never to know that the fight should be fought. Because an effective feminist process is as much social evolution as social change, there is room for equivocation. One of the strengths and weaknesses of this process is that it must needs allow for a conservative viewpoint. On balance, if a woman should be able to climb the corporate ladder, she should also be “allowed” to stay at home and raise the kids.
This allows those who still favor the old home country status quo to subtly program some who might otherwise have broken the mold. It is part of the conservative backlash that is sweeping the US. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, “Sometimes a choice is not really a choice.”
To wit, there is the girl who is somehow convinced that her “expiration date” is coming up at the ripe old age of 24 or 25 or 26. She lets the parents give her email addresses and bio-data’s of prospective suitors (can he have a moustache?). After all, parents know best. Forget that she makes a great salary, could probably get into any graduate school program and doesn’t actually need a man – mom and dad want to see her settled and protected. They also want grandchildren.
There is the girl who grew up the darling of her “community.” She does well in her studies and plays the good social game to perfection. She looks like the perfect example of a South Asian woman but take her out of that isolated element for one minute and she runs back home crying like a little baby. Never mind that mom and dad have spent large parts of their lives away from their original home in a strange country. She needs to be sheltered and cared for. She wants to be sheltered and cared for. Let’s get her married off.
I don’t know what makes a seemingly strong woman give up. I don’t know how a woman can be so inured into a practice that de-legitimizes her very existence. This is not an attempt to lecture or to feel superior. I really do not understand. Maybe it is because there are bigger battles to fight than the gender of a roommate. Maybe it is the lack of readily identifiable role models. Maybe dad really does yell that loudly.
Still, there are many who do continue the fight. I don’t know they have the courage to battle the cultural, religious and social forces that often tell a South Asian woman that she has to lower her face and say, “Yes mom” or “Yes dad.” I don’t know how they do that thing they do. I’m not that strong. I may not have that much energy. I’m only a guy and after all, “it’s different for you because you’re a guy.”
